10 Smartass Responses to Extended Family’s Holiday Snark Spirit
What Pumpkin Spice? It’s time for Egg Nog Everything. The halls are as decked as someone trying to take the last toy-of-the-moment off the shelf at Toys R Us, and you’ve finally got that Taylor Swift song out of your head because it’s been replaced by an infinite loop of the first verse of Jingle Bells being yelled at the top of your kids’ lungs. Christmas is right around the corner, which can only mean two things: It’s almost Thanksgiving, and it’s time for family drama, I mean fun and togetherness. This year, I’m thankful for sleep training, cardigans that hide muffin top, and that shoes without heels have become a thing, and obviously seeing extended family. But if togetherness didn’t make your list of things to be thankful for, never fear, this handy list of go-to retorts has you covered better than that slimming black sweater you just dug out of mothballs. So have that second helping of mac and cheese, relax, and have a glass of red.
Family: I thought you’d been working out?
You: I thought you’d been going to therapy?
Family: Should you be drinking that while you’re breastfeeding?
You: You’re right. Here’s the bottle, Grandma. [Note: even if you don’t intend to drink that glass of wine or coffee, just pour one so you can get a break from nursing]
Family: I like to put (milk, broth, magic fairy dust) into my mac and cheese so it doesn’t get so dry.
You: You do make the best, would you be a dear and do the honors?
Family: Were you trying to get pregnant or was #3 an ‘oops?’
You: It’s too soon to tell.
Family: Such a shame you have to work, kids should really have their mother at home.
You: Oh I totally agree, we’re looking at refrigerator boxes now. I hear overpass space by the river is going like hotcakes.
Family: Did you just buy another new car?
You: I really wanted a handbag like yours but we’re really watching our budget.
Family: Are you saving for retirement?
You: I’m saving for medical school so my kids can take care of me for free someday, does that count?
Family: Is he having another beer?
You: If you noticed, that means you’re still here, so yes, he’s having another beer.
Family: Such a bummer you weren’t able to have a girl (boy). Girls (boys) are so wonderful.
You: I usually just stare and blink, but let me know if you’ve got this one nailed.
Family: Are you on the computer [drinking/ working out/ having a shower/ doing anything other than holding/ feeding/ reading to/ other approved maternal activity]?
You: Are you still here?
This post is dedicated to my awesome family, here and across the pond, who actually never say or ask the wrong thing. I wish we had a lot more togetherness, during and between the holidays. Miss you, love you!
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