Renewable Resources

So I just forked out the funds to renew my domain name for another year.  Maybe it’s the hormones.  Or the frustrating days outnumbering the triumphant ones lately.  Or having people make a point of saying to me recently that The Fitted Sheet has been helpful/funny/interesting to them.  Or it could just be that the very smell of the glass of red wine my husband had with dinner has caused me to have such unbearable heartburn that I’ve sent said husband out to get me ice cream and I’m now left to my own devices.  Hey, he’s lucky I navigated here and not Zulily. Speaking of…

What?

Oh.  Yes, so my domain is safe for another year. I know I’m all over the place with this work or not work decision, but that’s how it is, isn’t it?  I’m sure most moms, working or otherwise, can agree that they at least feel undecided at times.  I used to be one of them.  Okay, I guess I still am.  Only, in the last year I’ve been fortunate [stupid?] enough to act on my instincts.  Almost exactly one year.  It’s what we committed to when I left work.  And I’ve done it. And I’ve done half of it while under the influence of pregnancy hormones.  Wow, that looks even more stupid on screen than it sounds in my head.  But that’s for another post.

When we last spoke, I was working with my husband on our real estate business and happy.  That hasn’t changed.  I’m still doing that, and still really enjoying it, and it’s working pretty well.  There actually haven’t been any kinks to work out, and happily, the hubs and I are better the more time we spend together.  Plus, our business is growing. Problem is, there’s never enough time. Never enough me. I now feel guilty for not working enough. The boys are in a great preschool for as many hours a week as my mom guilt, and our finances, would allow.  It’s just enough hours to get really into a project before it’s pick up time.  Still, I’ve managed to accomplish a lot on an economy of time, and keep my skill set relevant.  And being able to manage even a little of my own time has been more valuable than I remember.  Only, it leaves me craving more. Which means I’m still on the fence about my future, and even my own role within it. 

Recently I had a great chat with a friend I see very infrequently, even though she lives a cul de sac away.  While I spent a lot of our conversation jealously eying her Blue Moon Summer Ale and wishing I was the lemon wedge swimming in it, I was really relieved to hear what seems lately like a rare viewpoint: Strangely, mine.  Not the usual well-meaning words of encouragement and commiseration from one SAHM to another, or admirable attempts to disguise jealousy or judgement with equally well-meaning phrases like “I don’t know how you do it.”  No, this fellow somewhere-in-between-er matched me F-bomb for F-bomb with gut-level honesty about how our “best of both worlds” can sometimes be the weight of all worlds. And that, among other things, got me thinking.  There is definitely more to this conversation, more to this story, one year later.

There’s a lot I didn’t share along this journey that’s probably worth sharing. But there’s still time.  Well, not much of it these days.  But I’m going to try to fill in the gaps a little.  Maybe because, like I said from the beginning, I hope it helps inform anyone in the earlier stages of this decision-making process, or at least provides some solidarity to those in the middle of it like myself.  And maybe, actually, because it’s one thing just for me.  A resource for venting and organizing my thoughts in this crazy day to day.

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