Not Another Tear-Jerking Mother’s Day Post

This will be the third post in my mother’s day series, and it’s a slight departure from the rest.  I don’t consider my blog among the set I have lovingly dubbed the “sip and swear” bunch.  Said blogs top my favorites list and are daily reads, if not survival guides, for me.  But just because I don’t often write it, doesn’t mean I don’t think it.  So this post will be somewhat out of character for my writing, but not far from the truth on a lot of days.  Below is a clip of my stream of consciousness on a day when AT&T had me ‘rethinking possible’ in ways the marketing team hadn’t envisioned, and a catch-up session with an old colleague nearly turned into a sobbing plea for a job, any job.

It’s not even Monday for crying out loud!

Ugh! Is that daylight or did my neighbor just get home really really late?  Crap, it’s daylight.  Screw you daylight savings time.  I was cooking dinner with Bradley Cooper.  At his house.  God knows he wouldn’t come into this house.  [laughing] As if that was the most absurd part of the dream.   Thank god I can smell the coffee brewing downstairs.  Too bad it’s half caff.  Oh well, I can just have more of it.  Shut up brain, there are no sounds of children awake, go back to sleep, maybe Bradley will still be there making carbs and pouring me another glass of something expensive. I hate you sunlight, never again buying an East-oriented house.

Yep, that’ll be little one.  How can he be up already when he went to bed at like a million o’clock?  Aaand there’s the other one.  Crap, I forgot to get those flax and cardboard waffles he likes from the Whole Foods that’s a million miles from my East-oriented house.  Wait, we have Nutella.  So not Paleo but I’m not a caveman.  I’ll be a caveman tomorrow.

OMG, seriously you don’t like Nutella anymore?  But you did yesterday [oops].  Oh it’s because you want almonds on it. No wait, let mommy hel — [4,000 micros-slivers of almond explode from the countertop to the fridge, the ceiling to the floor. Awesome]  Dear God, please give me the strength not to yell at my precious little creations today.  Amen.

Is little one seriously spilling milk out of his spill-proof sippy again?!  I have so got to invent a sippy cup.  It can’t be that hard. At least I know it can totally suck, no pun intended, and still sell like Viagra.  Pun completely intended.

Okay, breakfast is on the table, for the kids anyway.  That should buy me at least 5 minutes to pee and get my flipping coffee!  Or so you’d think.  What is this sticky stuff on the floor?  Never mind. If these pans are coated with NASA-grade non-stick material, I’m now totally okay with the shuttle program shutting down.  Good call, guys.

Hubby!  I love you, going to pee now.  Now go make me a coffee.

Okay, conference call at 9.  Crap! That’s now.  Coffee is my breakfast.  Let’s see…Cars? Bolt? Sid the Science Kid?  What will keep you quiet while Mommy tries to sound like a grown-up who’s had more than two mouthfuls of coffee?  None of the above?  Awesome.  Okay that’s my ringing.  Bathroom with the door locked it is.  Did I shut the baby gate?  Better check.  Seriously, did little just take his diaper off again?  Ooh, maybe he’ll potty train himself.  Yeah, right [laughing].  Pigs are definitely more likely to fly through my kitchen and do the dishes from last night.

Can’t hear a word I’m saying, much less any she’s said the past 5 minutes over the incessant chanting “mommy, mommy, mommy” at the bathroom door. I wonder if she’s hiring.  Thank god she’s a mom and she’s cool. She gets it. That’s what recap emails are for.

Surprise, surprise, nobody on the other side of this door was caught in a bear trap or severely dehydrated.  Seriously, what the hell is sticky on this floor?

When is this spilling milk phase going to end? Where did it even come from?  I thought I hid it up —  ugh.

That’s it.  Nap time is job applications instead of blogging from now on…after I wash that load of laundry for the second time and then follow the sticky floor trail to see where it ends/begins.

Oh you’re not napping today?  Fabulous.

Is it lunchtime yet?  Some breakfast would be freaking great.  I guess reheated half caf coffee will do.  I love my kids.







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