I wish I could go back

I read this article today “I wish I could go back.”  It made me feel both anxious and resolute.  My heart dropped at the idea that I’ve already missed too much, and sped up as I thought about how close I am to being a full-time mother, if a little late.

I like how the author owns up to her mistakes in plain words, the kind that hindsight often affords us.  I can relate. I already have regret.  When I returned to work after my 2nd child was born, I had myself pretty fooled. I commuted to my job on an impossible high after only a few hours sleep [and copious amounts of coffee].  I cranked up the ‘go get ’em‘ music on the iPod and marched into the office with a swagger on my 4 inch heels, a pungent self-importance hanging in the air around me. Looking back as I sit in the office writing this, wearing a pair of tired flats, hair in a greasy ponytail, I feel guilty that I didn’t fall apart then, before missing out on 8 months of my child’s first year. But now that I’ve made my decision to stop working, it hurts like hell that I’ll never get those months back. And oh how my heart breaks for my preschooler, whose mother has been preoccupied with a mix of pregnancy, miscarriage, a newborn, and work for the last 2 years, two-thirds of his life.  I pray we’ll be okay, and I just want to buy him fro-yo all the time to make up for it. 

Thankfully, the facade wore me down and I couldn’t keep it up anymore.  It did get to me. I realized I was lying to myself, soothing myself with wants, and convincing myself they were needs. But now I’m clear what my purpose is. Not unfailing, I have my moments, like desperately wanting to remodel my kitchen before I start spending more time in it [ain’t gonna happen, btw]. 

About 2-3 people read this blog.  One of you is a stay at home mommy who I admire beyond words, who has made the right choice and is still enduring a painful consequence that normally accompanies the wrong one.  The other two are my family, supporting me 100% through this transition, determined to see this dream come true for me.  I want to share my story with others the way the regretful mother in the article did, but not from hindsight. I think the choice to stay home may be the right one for a lot of people who just don’t know it yet, or are afraid, or fooling themselves like I did. So please pass my message along and share my blog. I’d love for people to join me in making this choice, or just encourage me along the way. 

12 weeks and 3 days until my last day at work


One thought on “I wish I could go back

  1. No looking back, it will only bring tears – trust in your decision & do all you can to make the best memories for those precious babies going forward! Love you – H


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